About ten years ago, I was working where I work now and I was single. I was between places and sleeping on a friend's couch. The only rent he would accept was a shared 6-pack of cheap beer every couple of nights. I don't make much money now and I didn't make much money then, but the same money covered so much more back then.
I don't remember ever stressing about my role in life back then. In fact, I don't remember stressing about much of anything at all. I have since found love and the domesticity that comes with it. And due to certain quirks of character, I haven't become that guy I need to be for my family. Well, that's not entirely true. I love them and am very kind to them. But now that people count on me for sustenance, I am always very aware of the limits of my income. But somehow, we live the dream life of millions. I think of our relative poverty, but then I open my fridge and wonder how I'll fit the latest purchase among the shelves full of food and drink. I come home nervous about so many insignificant details of life, as I turn off the alarm on the comfortable home I share with my family.
I feel love all around, but I often feel as though I'm living a life that someone else deserves more. It's as if at any moment, God will pick my whining self up by my shirt collar and put me down somewhere where I know the difference between whining in suburbia and crying in life. I feel that I am caught in the middle of really, really needing that winning Powerball ticket and really, really needing a stong dose of humilty.
It's my strongest of hopes that my wife and I remain strong together. To help her realize her dreams is to realize my own dreams of being the right man for the job, the husband she needs me to be. I have a feeling I will never make it big in the corporate world. But it seems that this is a world where more and more people are finding their way to financial success through strange little ways that no high school guidance counselor would have ever envisioned possible (podcasts? blogs?). I could very well stumble into something big before it's all said and done.
I sure hope so.