It's Not Supposed To Be Easy

But damn. I need a few more waves of pleasantry and soon.

Overwhelmed again. Not even trying to be the perfect dad and husband, but while trying to juggle those familial obligations with the workplace, it's hard to even feel average. The last week or so has seen all at Chez Bez passing around viruses and colds. Lovely wife and I try our best to share the "stay at home with the kids" responsibilities as evenly as possible while trying not to test the patience of our employers too much.

Today, they sent her home because she was so sick. I volunteered to call in from work today and let her sleep, rest, recuperate. So I made the dutiful call to one of my multitude of bosses to gauge his thoughts on that. He was very generous and kind and told me to do what was best for my family and to not feel guilty about it (as I often do). Early in the conversation we had talked about me coming in late but by the end it was my interpretation that I would stay home all day and they would call me if needed. I ended the phone call feeling pretty good about things.

Come 8:30 or so and I see voicemail awaiting my attention on my cell phone. It was as I immediately suspected. My boss shared the first decision from our call with other bosses of mine and they were angry and wondering why I still wasn't in. I hate to admit that I lost my cool a bit in returning that call but this has been a day of exhaustion anyway. Adding to the day now was frustration and good old guilt again. I was a breath away from quitting right on the spot. Good for me that I hung up before I got around to spouting off with words I would have regretted. Still, it could happen soon.

I just feel so pushed and pulled so often. Where are the well paying, low stress jobs for nice guys like me who never went to college? This one is killing me. As is the case for so many workers nowadays, I am where I am because of the health insurance. The family needs that. And they need from me so much more than they receive. Familial obligations make me a less dependable employee and the workplace demands make me less of the dad and husband I want to be.

It gets better, right?