Worst Live Blog Post Ever (Now With Cursing!)

• Three minutes into the Independent Spirit Awards and host Sarah Silverman has explained the art-to-commerce marriage by referencing talking vaginas. (And she did this sideways thing with her lips that made me laugh.)

• About nominated film, Man Pushes Cart, Sarah summed up thusly: "Who gives shit?"

• Silverman: "If a bomb went off in this tent, there would be no one left to make a documentary about it."

• On Robert Downey Jr.: "He was into rehab before it was cool. He did rehab when you had to stay there...until you were better."

• Note to self: If I ever meet Sarah Silverman, buy her good cheese. (You'll only get that if you watched it.)
  

• Matt Dillon presents an award for Best Supporting Male and I wonder why he wasn't nominated for his performance in Factotum.
  

• Alan Arkin wins in this category. (I didn't ruin the surprise, did I?) I love his work.

• Presenting for Best First Screenplay are Lucy Liu and, if I heard correctly, a random guy who won a contest and got to be a presenter. Cool! He did great.

• Winner, Michael Arndt for Little Miss Sunshine.

• Zach Braff is presenting. It just now occurred to me that he looks like a younger, skinnier Ray Romano.

• These clips are killing me. I want to see all of these movies. They are beautiful, raw, brave...all very inspiring.

• Tom Waits in a clip for Wristcutters: A Love Story: "Do I look asymmetrical to you?" I love that guy. I may have to join Netflix for a free month just to see that.

• Angelica Huston is on stage and keeps whining that she wants her juice cup. (Wait. My daughter is talking to me. I'm getting confused.)

• A lot of these films are available on DVD at my local library. I'm requesting them online and I hope that they all don't become available for me at the same time.

• Singing in honky-tonk fashion about the details of one of the nominated films is Minnie Driver. I forgot that this is a regular feature. Funny stuff. Bouncing ball at the bottom of the screen and everything.

• Ain't David Lynch the greatest? My favorite of his is Wild at Heart with Laura Dern and Nicolas Cage. I need to watch his newest, Inland Empire, also starring Laura Dern. Hey Brittney Gilbert! Have you seen it yet?

• With a hand-held Sony PD150 and no financial help from any studio at all, Lynch shot Inland Empire.

• I love that this thing is being held in a tent. Anyone with a hand-held can make a movie and anyone with a tent can hold an awards show.

• To the tune of "We Are Family," Taylor Dayne is singing a song about Little Miss Sunshine. "Screwed-up family/What's dysfunctionality?"

• Announcer: "Put your hands and legs together for presenter Sharon Stone!" LOL

• Winner of Someone To Watch Award, director Julia Loktev (Day Night Day Night). Happy to oblige. Her film looks wonderful.

• Still waiting to hear who won the Axium Producers Award. Neither presenter seems to have the envelope. ("I thought you had it.") A nice laugh all around. Finally, the envelope is brought out. Congrats to winners, Howard Gertler and Tim Perell.

• Short and touching tribute to Robert Altman. A clip from him on set, instructing his actors: "Let's start with everyone in the wrong places." He is, of course, one of the greatest.

• The Robert Altman Award has now been created for future presentations.

• American Gun, starring Forest Whitaker has moved to the top of my list.

• Premier sponsors for the show: IFC, Netflix, Axium, and Elle. Principal sponsors for the show: Acura and Pop Secret. Sponsors for this blog: None, dammit. Guess I'll keep clocking in at the workplace. ;)

• John Waters enters stage left! Hell yeah! (Or is that stage right? I can never remember.)
  

• And he's dragging a chain by his waist in tribute to Christina Ricci's new film, Black Snake Moan. Tacky and hilarious bastard.
  

• John Waters says it's permissible to yell "Edit!" in a crowded movie if the film script drags in the middle.

• Cuba Gooding Jr. just used the "we could put some black in ya" joke on Illeana Douglas. Didn't see that one coming. Wow. And I thought Sarah Silverman was supposed to be the edgy one.
  

• To the tune of "Son of a Preacher Man," someone is singing a song tribute to Half Nelson - "I'm a crack-headed teacher man."

• Moved and stirred again by these clips. God, I love movies.

• Best Male Lead: Ryan Gosling for his performance in Half Nelson.

• Maggie Gyllenhaal is now officially my "get out of marriage free card." (My wife's is Jon Bon Jovi, by the way.)

• The guys behind Little Miss Sunshine want their juice cups. (Oh sorry, that's my daughter again.)

• Best Feature Award goes to Little Miss Sunshine.

It's over. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my agent. Would it kill him to get me a sponsor for this blog? Geez.