It's gotta be weird to be married to me. A few weeks ago, Joshua asked his mom, "What is it that you love most about me?" I guess it sounds kind of cute to hear a kid ask that. It's a wonderful opportunity for a parent to go on and on about all of the wonderful things that are lovable about him or her. But I cringed a bit to hear it because I remember once asking her the same question. It was before we married. We had only recently gotten back together after a lengthy breakup and I asked her that very question. Cute from a kid, but maybe a bit needysounding from an adult, especially an adult male. "I don't ask you questions like that," came my loved one's reply. Ouch. Lesson learned. Don't question; just appreciate and accept. That's a good way to go about life. Appreciate and accept.
Of course, I'm the type who questions pretty much everything. There's a very analytical part of my brain that peers over shoulders, dominates other more important parts of the mind, and basically just gets in the way. With a smile on my face last night, I asked my wife another ridiculous question. I was joking, but there was probably a bit of truth deep down inside. Out of the blue, I wondered aloud, "Do you think it possible that I might be a jerk?"
"No," she replied, probably wondering where in the hell that came from.
"Well, I was just wondering. I mean, I know jerks who probably don't think that they're jerks. I could be one of them and not know. I feel like I'm a nice enough guy, but it's not like I have any friends to hang out with. There could be a reason for that."
We laughed about it. I made it clear that I was just being silly, but the possibility of its truth festered a bit.
A few years ago, I ran into an old friend at the airport. We used to work together and would go to bars and movies together often. It was cool to run into him but when I suggested that we should exchange numbers, he kind of blew me off. "Just give me yours and I'll call you." I got the subtle message. Still, I gave him my number, knowing that he was just being barely polite enough to keep it as it was, just a random good-to-see-you-again exchange at the airport.
As simple and harmless a moment as that was, it kind of stung, but more to the point, it stayed with me and forced me to question a whole history of relationships. Was I not as cool a friend as I remembered? I was probably analyzing this too much. He was just a guy who had moved on in life, busy with wife and kids and work and bills. Heck, I recall kind of doing the same to a buddy of mine before. We used to be very tight. We were even roommates for several years. Then I met Paige, moved in with her, and pretty much just stopped hanging out with him. It was nothing personal; I just preferred domesticity with a pretty girl to playing pool with dudes night after night.
I'm rambling. Back to the point. I know I'm no jerk, but if there's anyone who might think otherwise, I'll just say this. I'm friendly, but quiet. I'm bookish, but not snobbish. And although I'm on this current kick where I'm quite obsessed with opera, I'm not yet pompous. Maybe sometime soon, my wife and I will be in better financial shape and can spend a bit more time at parties and blogger meet-ups cultivating friendships.
Until then, I can remember to simply appreciate and accept. Too much questioning and analyzing is for the birds.
Thanks for reading. It's well past midnight and time for bed.