Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Happy Enchilada*

Doubt and shame. Tonight, I needed more peace

than is possible in a small apartment. With love

all around, my stress and tension only

showed me the noise and clutter.

Thirty-six years old and earning

not much more than I did as a

sixteen year old part-time pizza

deliverer. I get the joke. Not funny.

Tonight, I am short-tempered and

I'm not a good dad. I'm not bad, just

not good. I settle into hot solitude. In

the bath. I escape and soak and ruminate.

After several minutes of studying the

contours of my propped up feet, I smile

and remember the John Prine song. "That's

The Way That The World Goes 'Round."

A verse: I was sitting in the bathtub counting my toes,

when the radiator broke, water all froze.

I got stuck in the ice without my clothes,

naked as the eyes of a clown.

I was crying ice cubes hoping I'd croak,

when the sun come through the window, the ice all broke.

I stood up and laughed thought it was a joke

That's the way that the world goes 'round.

And I suppose I'll make it.

*John Prine once told the story of a woman who kept requesting a song called The Happy Enchilada at a concert. Puzzled, he told her that he had never written a song about a happy enchilada. She argued with him that indeed he had.

To prove her point, she recited a line from the song. She said, you know, "it's a happy enchilada and you think you're gonna drown." Laughing, John Prine told her that it was the song that I referenced above, "That's The Way That The World Goes 'Round."

The line in question was: It's half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown. / That's the way that the world goes 'round.


Heidi said...

when you remember to measure your success by the success that matters most, your loves, i read no doubt or shame. you are perfect as you are.

but good luck. it's still nice to have a fulfilling job.

BBLogan said...

Man... you have more than money. You've got a treasure with your family. And, you are a treasure to your family. What you "do", it isn't who you "are"... If getting a new gig or following your passion will help YOU feel better, you have to go for it. Never doubt that in that process, no matter what happens, the people who love you will love you no matter what you do for a living.

From where I sit, you're pretty incredible. If your "dream job" comes through... COOL. If it doesn't, make your own "dream job"... follow your passions and you'll never regret it.

Hang in there Chez. You've got more going on than you know. It's always hardest to see it yourself.